


Hopefully

by MagicMiss



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Jean is sad and lonely, Jean's saving life, Suicide Attempt, mikasa is sad and lonely, mourning and how to not deal with it, triger warning : suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 04:42:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17912222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicMiss/pseuds/MagicMiss
Summary: She's the light of his sad and lonely life. Working in office, he still comes to her flower shop just to see her bright smile. But, one night he'll see her above the black and cold river. She stays still, almost ready to gave up everything.How could he help her ? In the end, he's nobody.(Ok, I suck at summary. Just read it, please ^^')





	Hopefully

**Author's Note:**

> I'm proud of this one :3
> 
> Hope y'all gonna like it ! I tried my very best. Keep in mind english isn't my mother tongue and that I'm still learning it, so, if u see a mistake, point it but gently :D
> 
> I hesitated to do a full fic out of this but idk, I like "short" story

The half-full moon was high in the black sky, hidden by big grey clouds, only the street lights were enlightening the bridge. I was walking alone, down the bridge, coming from the pub after taking a drink, or maybe three. Five ? Eh, a lot. It was a freezing night, the ground was slippery as hell because of the snow and ice, and because I drank a little too much, each warm breaths creating little cloud of steam. 

 

I was, for that matter, asking myself if I really needed so many drinks when I saw her on the bridge, on the  _ other _ side of the fence, wearing only a light blue dress, bare foot.

 

“Ma’am !” I screamed, terrified. Was she suicidal !? Duh, she wouldn't be there if she wasn’t. I am so fucking stupid. “Just- Stop ! Come back over here !” I stutter, as I try to run toward her. The snow is dense and thick, I fall head first in it. The frost was biting me but the fear of assisting to a suicide, to let someone die when I could have done something had anesthetized the pain. I stood up and finally grabbed her arm. Her skin was so cold I thought she was already dead for a second. 

 

“Let me go…” She said without looking at me, the gaze lost in the black water below us. Her voice was familiar ? I couldn’t see her face since she was away from the yellow lights of the street lamps but it seemed like I recognized her. “I… I need to end this. There is no use in living anymore.” 

 

It… It was that beautiful girl from the flower shop. I was buying flower from her every week, sometime three times in a week just to talk and see her ! 

 

“No !” I screamed, how could I let her die ? I hardened my hold on her, forcing her toward me. I didn’t know what to say, it was so stressful, so I just hold her.

 

“Please. I can’t live anymore.” Her voice broke, I heard her sob softly. “He’s dead. What the use of living without him, tell me ?”

 

Damn, was he her boyfriend or husband ? I felt out of place suddenly : I didn’t know her. She wasn’t a friend, we were just vaguely friendly because the flower shop. That’s all. A client and vendor relationship. But I wasn’t going to let her go anyways. 

 

“I… I don’t know who he is, or was…” She moaned a little. I was so fucking dumb. “... But, life is always worth it, even when it doesn’t seem like it.” 

 

Was I lying to her ? I wasn’t even believing these words. I hated life as much, maybe because I still wasn’t over my best friend’s death, maybe because I had to assist to three funeral in the spawn of four months this year. Marco, Connie and Sasha. Maybe because I was working in a shitty company, doing shitty things for not that much and living in a shitty low-cost place. Maybe because I was crying myself to sleep every night. But still, l wasn’t trying to kill myself ! Did I think about it ? Of course. Alone, without any friends, laying down in a cold bed, I thought of ending it all. But I knew, deep in my core, engraved in my guts and mind, that it wasn’t the right way. I couldn’t do this. 

 

“If I fall, if I die now…” She whispered softly, pain in her voice. It was heartbreaking. I used to see her smile, with her beautiful thin black hair, her pretty blue-grey eyes with long black lashes, her full and rosy cheeks that I dreamed of kissing. She was the light of my shitty life. And yet,  _ I _ was the one holding her above the black, cold and turbulent water. “Nobody would see it. I’m all alone. I don’t have a lot of friends. One, but he’s living abroad…” 

 

“If I die, only the chinese restaurant would see it.” I said abruptly. I don’t why, I just spit it as if it was fire. “I can’t cook. So I command chinese every day. It’s starting to disgust me, to be honest.” She didn’t reply so I kept talking. “My best friend, Marco, knew how to cook. He was always coming to my place with healthy and warm food he made himself. When he died,” we both shivered, “I started eating nothing but chinese take out.” I paused. “I think that if he saw all this empty boxes he would give me a kick in the butt.”

 

“My husband, Eren, he didn’t know how to cook either.” Eren, uh ? “Once he tried, for Valentine’s Day and ended up burning the kitchen.” I couldn’t tell what face she was making. Was she sad ? Reminding a funny memory ? “We used to laugh a lot about it.”

 

“Do you think he would like to see you up there ?” I could only spit stupid things tonight, isn’t ? How many drinks did I had ? 

 

“Ho- Ho dare you ?” She didn’t sound offended though. 

 

“Life’s shitty.” I laughed softly although I found nothing in this situation funny. It was more because of the stress than anything, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Life’s shitty but you still find moment of joy in it. Didn’t you said that you laughed a lot about that burning-the-kitchen thing ?” Damn, what I was saying wasn’t so stupid after all ! I think. 

 

“But he’s not here ! He died !” She started moving, fighting my grasp back. “Why living if it’s only for rare et short-lived moments !?” She pushed away my hands easily and my heart seemed to miss a beat. “Life’s shitty but not worth it !” 

 

I tried to catch her back, but she was pushing me away every time. 

 

“Please ! Stop moving ! You’re gonna fall down !!” She laughed bitterly. “Come back toward me, please !” I wanted to cry. 

 

“That’s the goal.” She turned toward me, I saw her blue-grey eyes red and shining because of the numerous tears that were still rolling down her empty cheeks, bluish skin because of the freezing cold. She seemed to be dead inside. She was dead inside. It hurts me so much. 

 

“Please, don’t…” I begged, a soft whisper, lost in the cold wind. “Please don’t do it. You don’t deserve that. You shouldn’t- You had to- You  _ must _ live !” My voice broke too. I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore, reaching toward her, deep in the cold atmosphere. Every of my limb were numb, even my brain wasn’t able to function properly. A mix of the tear, pain, alcohol and of the cold, surely. 

 

“Why did you had to intervene… I just wanted to die alone !” She hold her head in her hands and lost her balance a bit. I saw her move away from me, toward the river and it terrified me so much I reached even more to try to catch her. I was practically laying down on the fence, my feets not even touching the ground anymore but she still was out of reach. I could brush her skin but she was so cold she didn’t even felt it. “Please go away ! Let it go ! Let me  _ alone _ !!”

 

“No !!” My heart was racing, the blood in my head almost deafening me. I couldn’t feel anything but fear and terror for her. She was all I was able to care for now. “I’m not letting you die !” I tried to grab her once again, but she pushed my hands away.

 

“Why !? You’re nobody ! I’m nobody ! You don’t even know me !” She cried. If she screamed maybe someone else could hear her and give me a hand ? Please scream louder.

 

“What’s your name !?” 

 

“What ?” 

 

“I see you every week but I still don’t know your name !” She looked confused as hell. Well, I was too. “At your flower shop ! I’m the weird guy that comes to buy the same cheap ass flowers because it’s all he can afford but he still want to see your beautiful smile !” Strangely, she seemed to recall me. “I am Jean.” She was not moving anymore and I have finally been able to grab her hand and to pull her toward me. I put both my arm around her, hugging her as tightly as I could. “Jean Kirschtein.” She was so cold. Was I hugging a cube of ice ?

 

“Mikasa... Ackerman.” She stammered, hesitantly. 

 

“If you weren’t here, I would have saw it.” 

 

She put her hands in my back, and her face in my shoulder and started crying again, louder and without any restraint. 

 

“I’m so sorry ! I’m- I shouldn’t have- Please, excus-”

 

“You don’t have anything to excuse yourself from. Not to me.” I pulled her, squeezed her, did everything to hold her harder, to not let her go again. She didn’t fight back this time and it reassured me so much. We stayed like that a while, her crying into my shoulder, clinging to me. I slowly picked her up from the frozen ground and drawn her to the right side of the fence without releasing her once, wanting to hear her heartbeat, to be sure she couldn’t try to jump. She fell on me, her summer dress soaked because of the snow, her feet blue, her fingers too, probably exhausted to death. 

 

“Mikasa ?” She wasn’t crying anymore, nearly breathing. “I’m taking you to the hospital.”

 

I wasn’t waiting for an answer, but she told me ; “Thanks Jean.” and it warmed up my heart. I did good, for once. They would be proud of me, If they could have seen me. 

 

Later, after the doctors felicitated me for taking her here right in time, I hesitated to stay with her. She was all alone, she said. I was too. But I had my job. My  _ shitty _ job, though. I didn’t know what to say or do anyways, so I came back home. The trip to my place was awkward. As if I wasn’t living in the same reality I was living before. Maybe it was a hallucination ? I was so drunk I thought it happened ? I passed by the flower shop, it was close of course. There was a handwritten “closed” on a wood sign hanging on the glass door. Her handwriting ? I could see flowers through the glass, beautiful and colored. I kept walking until I arrived home. It was cold of course, I hadn’t enough money to have functional radiators. Chinese take-out boxes were spilled everywhere, the trash already full. It’s only now that I see how many of them there was, and how much my place was smelling cold and somewhat rotten noodles. I looked up to the clock. Five am. I was starting in one hour. I just laid down on the hard floor, the hair wet, the shoes and coat soaked in snow and sweats, I couldn’t help trembling like jello, my teeth chattering. The hell of a night. 

 

I didn’t know how much I stayed still but the sun was here, blinding me through my windows without curtains. If it was a sign that I remained here too much, It was my phone ringing that bring me out of my lethargy. I grabbed it and hesitated to answer.  _ Boss _ . How to explain it ? Will he believes me ?  _ I _ couldn’t even believe it.

 

“Kirschtein, where the fuck are you ?” 

 

“Uh… Sorry.” His voice was like a drill in my brain, violent and frightening. 

 

“Are you okay ? What happened ? You sound strange.”

 

“I… Had a rough night ? I think.” It sounds like you just woke up and making up everything, Jean. Get yourself together and man up ! “I was getting a drink and as I was marching home, I saw this girl on the bridge…”

 

“A girl, eh ? You’re three hours late because of a prostitute ?” 

 

What the fuck ?

 

“What ? No ! She was trying to kill herself ! In a fucking summer dress, on the other side of the fence !” He’s still your boss, don’t be rude. You  _ really _ need this job. “I spent the night trying to talk her out of her suicidal thoughts !” 

 

“What ?”

 

“You heard me ! It was a really stressful night.” Since when do you have balls, Jean ?

 

For a moment he didn’t respond, and I feared that I’ve been too far. Was I getting fired ? Urgh. I wanted to crawl under my cover and to never get out of my bed. But he surprised me and told me : “Take your time. I know the past months were harsh for you, I heard Petra talking about Marco, Connie and Sasha,” I grit my teeth. “And now that ? You know what, I’ll give you the week. Come back Monday.” 

 

“This is… Unexpected ? Thank you very much, sir.” Was I still day-dreaming ? Was this a joke ?

 

“Take care, Kirschtein.” I nearly dropped my phone. 

 

At 5 pm, after I took a long and warm shower, to hell the bill, I dressed myself into dry clothes and left my place. I wanted to check for Mikasa. The hospital wasn’t that far away. And also she was alone ? I felt responsible ? I had mixed feelings about it. She owes me nothing, she’s in the good care of doctors, on the other hand, I needed to see her. My heart and guts were pushing me, my brain was convincing me to see her. I couldn’t get that girl out of my mind. Did I want it though ? 

 

The nurses recognized me. One even smiled. 

 

“Uh… I’m the guy that carried Mikasa here this night.” The blond-haired woman, in her thirties or something, asked me for my ID, that by chance, I had. 

 

“She asked for you. To thank you, I think.” She said as I was walking to the elevator. Oh shit. Was she disappointed that I wasn’t here ? Maybe I should’ve stayed ? I should’ve stayed. I knew it ! You’re so fucking stupid. She was alone and you left her ! 

 

“Uh.... Thanks.” I felt like punching myself to the blood right now. 

 

I hesitated to enter her room. Should I have bought flowers ? Or maybe chocolate ? Something ? Food ? She seemed thinner than usual, with her hollow cheeks, almost as frail as a leaf. How I finally entered her room ? I don’t know. 

 

“Uh.” Was the first thing I’ve said to her that day, realizing I didn’t knock to her door. She was as surprised as me, I think. So I left, knocked and entered the room again after she said “You may come.”

 

I stayed the week with Mikasa Ackerman, visiting her every day with flower or chocolate, until next monday. But I managed to come by, even for one hour only. We talked about a lot of things, sometime societal, light-minded or about our deceased loved one. She appreciated Sasha, and I won’t tell her ever but Eren seemed to be a butt-head. She told me I reminded her of her late father, killed by thug when she was nine. I jokingly told her she looked like my dream-girl when I was a teen, but she blushed anyways. We both liked old french music even tho we both barely spoke french. Her favorite color was green because it symbolized hope and the vast and huge forest. She liked hiking and doing sport. I told her my dream was to be an artist, that I draw since I’m a kid but that I was always too busy to pay my rent to really start to paint. “You should get a new job.” She once said. “In an art supplies shop maybe ?” We were good for each other. Even the doctors said it. 

 

She had to stay in the psychiatrist wing for three weeks before she could leave. Months after, she decided to leave the country. She couldn’t live anymore in this city where every place reminded her of her dead husband, so she sold her flower shop to a charming couple that almost make her cry and bought a one-way ticket. Bitter as fuck, I still said I understood. 

 

“We’ll still talk to each other.” She assured me, holding my hand. “I’ll live at my friend’s house in Germany, you know, Armin.”

 

She felt guilty to leave me. 

 

“You owe me nothing, don’t worry. I can live by myself.” 

 

She sadly smiled. She didn’t believe me. This girl always thought that she had obligations to everyone. Nothing was truly free in her mind. If I saved her, it was for something. 

 

“I’ll send you recipes.” I smiled. “And please don’t forget to drink water. Soda  _ doesn’t _ count.”

 

I missed her for a long time. We, like promised, kept in touch. Talking at least five time a week via skype of our day, of how much she liked the country, of how much it did me good to get a new job in this little art supplies shop. We started an epistolary conversation, because we’re that kind of hopeless romantic. She told me about this guy, a small guy with an undercut. I invented a black haired girl that like the color green. Urgh. For a while I asked myself if I was too tall for her. He didn't last although, she couldn’t bring herself to start a new relationship. I was ashamed to be happy about it.

 

On the second anniversary of Eren’s death, we didn’t talk. Neither the day after. Neither the day after after. I was scared. So, so scared. I was imagining her lifeless body drifting away in a cold and frozen german river, the face blue, her lips black. I read somewhere that a victim of drowning were like blown-up, sometime, even unrecognizable. It was a nightmare. I couldn’t sleep without seeing  _ this _ . 

 

I cried a lot, of pain, fear and anger when Armin called me after two weeks to announce she had an incident. A fucking incident. I think I laughed too. Laughing and crying, on the floor, a sobbing mess, pathetic. She wasn’t dead, but she didn’t wake up. 

 

I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. It was a dream, isn’t ? It was false, isn’t ? Armin wasn’t helping, sending randomly ‘still not waking up’. Thanks mate. 

 

I read again every of her letters, even though I already knew them by heart, just to see her again in her sentence. Her handwriting was delicate, with large loop. Some of these letter have smudges because of my tears, now. I had to keep going to work. My new boss was a nice old lady, but she was unaware of what Mikasa meant to me. I made myself what I could call friend in the past years, but both couldn’t understand either. “Are you her boyfriend ? No ? But do you love her ? Yes ? Then go see her. No ?”

 

On the third weeks without any news, I had a breakdown. I didn’t cry, I’m pretty sure I don’t have any tears left, but I bought a one-way ticket to Germany, only knowing the town’s name and her address and flew away from my responsibilities and job. Hell, I don’t give a damn. 

 

Trying to find my way in here was so difficult I thought I was going to die alone between a shop of sauerkraut and a shop of pretzel. I didn’t know a single word  of german, I took french as elective, but I managed after two days to find her town. I was a madman. Like, maybe a creepy weirdo slash madman, but I cared so much about Mikasa. Finding her house was more complex, the town wasn’t that small, but I made it. 

 

Armin answered. He was as confused and shook as me to be honest. Both asking oneself if I was crazy. I told him I cared deeply. He asked : “Do you love her ?” 

 

I didn’t respond but every fiber of my mind and body were screaming “Yes !”. 

 

She was so frail. I missed touching her skin, feeling her warmth, stroking her black hairs. I think I cried. Not sure though. Why was I meeting her only in hospitals ? Armin put me up to his house. I tried to rent a hotel room, I was a bit embarrassed to come like that and to request a room, but he assured me he did it for Mikasa and that it didn’t bother him. I slept in her room, on a mattress put on the ground. I felt out of place. The whole room had her perfume. It was decorated with taste, a bit too minimalist for me but functional. She had a picture of her, Armin and Eren on her desk, with beside it, a picture of her in a beautiful white wedding-dress with Eren, holding her in his arms like I did when I saved her, years ago. They seemed so happy, so in love. I felt my heart pinch. Although, on her drawer, beside her makeup, to the very next of her mirror, there was the picture of me I once send her in the first years of our epistolary conversation. Her was in my wallet. 

 

I took a job as a part-time waiter to at least pay my food. 

 

After four painful days, she woke up. This time I had flowers and I knocked. “You may enter.” She said. 

 

I sat beside her, like I always did, but this time she was awake. She didn’t have any tube in her mouth or nose to keep her alive. She had dark circle deeper than the Mariana Trench, her cheeks were hollow and her arms more frail than ever but I still found her beautiful. Her eyes were shining, and not because of the tears this time. 

 

“You scared me.” I said softly, taking her hand in mine. She was warm, and alive. “I had to come here.” I couldn’t look at her in the eyes, trying to hide my blushing face and my tears of happiness. 

 

“Thanks you, Jean.” Her voice was breaking too. 

 

I laughed softly, without being able to say anything, and squeezed harder her hand. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hesitate to comment or to leave a kudo ! It means a lot and could help me to improve my writings :D


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